have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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