I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
