well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You're like the curious george of whores
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
