I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
