That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
