hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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