i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
