Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize