So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
