It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
