This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
