I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
