i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
