I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
