I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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