How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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