I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
