even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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