and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
