I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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