I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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