I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
