Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
