I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
