4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
