I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
