Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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