i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
