Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
