You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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