Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
