if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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