So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
