Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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