I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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