dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize