Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I see more hoeing in ur future
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