Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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