dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
