I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
