Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
