My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
