Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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