I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
