Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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