benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Pooping to opera.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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