I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
