i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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