oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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