It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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