he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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