Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
