So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
