My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
