I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
