My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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