Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
