everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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