and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
