i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
