...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
