take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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