So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
