Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
